Turning Toward Each Other...

This week has been an exceptionally busy week for our family.  In addition to the regular activities of visitation, therapy, piano, dance, school, homework, scouts, cross country,  doctors appointments, work, grocery shopping, feeding the tribe etc.  We had an honor choir concert, Halloween Costumes to complete, two school projects, church trunk or treat with a photo booth the run, and a quick trip out of town to prepare for.  To say we were busy would be an understatement.

Life never really slows down, not just for our family, but for every one. I believe when we put our spouse first when they recognize all we have to do, it deepens our love for each other.  I know I personally am very grateful for the times Charles has helped me with a task, especially when I know he has 4 other highly important things he has to do himself.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.

This week a few ways we were able to turn toward each other was:

• Tuesday when our oldest had a choir concert I was able to find a babysitter for the kids and get off work early so Charles and I could enjoy the concert together.  
• Wednesday was our Ward Trunk R Treat, Charles told me how thankful he was I took the time to make themed costumes.  He also knew he would be running the photo booth all night and I was nervous about having all the kids on my own so he arranged for another lady in the ward to help me walk the kids around, to which I was very grateful.
• Thursday Charles was very tired and mentioned it to me.  I arranged to get off work 30 minutes early and surprised him by coming home to help get the kids ready for bed so he could get to sleep.
• Friday we spent at the zoo.  We held hands when we were able to.  We also laughed together about the fact that we were probably counting to 12 every 5 minutes to make sure we hadn't lost anyone.

It wasn't big things and occasionally we weren't even together when we turned toward each other.  It was the small moments and thinking of one another and trying to find ways to ease each others burdens that brought us together.

The entire crew at the zoo

Family Zoo and zoo keeper costumes minus the two big kids who had already left

Love Maps

Gottman teaches in order to have a strong marriage we need to have a strong love map. 

Our love maps indicate how well we know each other.  Gottman said, "from knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.  Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."  
So...great friendships between husband and wife create even better marriages.


How do we stay friends, or become friends???
You have to spend time interacting and talking with your spouse.  Doing things together, side by side builds those strong bonds of friendship.

A few small things Charles and I do to stay connected in our busy lives are:

1. Charles calls me everyday on his way home from work.
2. I only work 2 days a week, on the days I work Charles comes over and meets me for lunch.
3. When we are doing a big house clean-up we will work side by side as a team.  Instead of in different parts of the house.
4. We try to lay down together at night and talk about our days as we cuddle.  Both of us love this        part of the day, even though Charles often falls asleep while I'm talking.


It's not the big adventures or fun vacations that form strong friendships.  Friendship are formed and strengthened in the day to day, monotonous routines.  

Love Starts with Friendship

John M. Gottman wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work.

He has a theory based on years of research that strong marriages are built on deep friendships.  He teaches when we are first best friends with our spouse then we can overlook the negative and not focus on it.  My husband and I have a great relationship, we really never fight or even argue.  We are best friends, this friendship has strengthened our relationship.  I recall one rare time I was upset with Charles I said under my breath "jerk" in that exact moment I said in my mind "he is not a jerk, he is the best, most kind, loving man you know".  I believe this thought came to me even in my anger because I really do focus on good in him daily and not the bad.  This positive focus is so important in our everyday day to day lives so we will have positive experiences to look back on when challenges come up.

        

Marriage

There is an old American Indian tale that says: 

 A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed.

Marriage can be a lot like those two wolves.  The evil wolf may represent a relationship that simply exists, two married people who simply co-exist at best.  There is little friendship or passion in their marriage.  The good wolf could represent a marriage between two people who genuinely love each other and love to be around one another. They play and work as a team.  Which marriage will you have?  As the wise grandfather said...the one you feed.

How do you feed a marriage to encourage love and friendship?  President Uchtdorf said it best when he said "In family relationships Love is spelled T-I-M-E".  I believe where we put our time is where our heart is.  In order to maintain a strong healthy relationship with our spouse we mush spend time with them.  One on one quality time.

When life is busy it can sometime be very difficult to find time.  Often times you will not be able to simply "find" time to be with your spouse you must "make" time.  As unromantic as this may sound scheduling time to be with your spouse may be the only way you are able to manage a few minutes together.  Creativity can also be a key element to spending time together.

For Charles and I, with 12 busy children in our family, finding time to be together is very difficult.  He has to be up by 3am so he's in bed early, I stay up late with the older kids helping with homework.  Every single evening is filled with something kid related.  We have started fitting in small 30 minute dates here and there whenever we can.  We also try to simply watch a movie or play a game upstairs in our room when the little kids are asleep and the big kids are out with friends.  This allows us to still be home with the kids, but to also be able to be together doing more than just household chores.  Our relationship has remained strong partly because we are choosing to feed the "good" wolf.