Things I want to remember...

Maybe it's because she had plenty of experience before I came along, I am married to son number 8, but my mother-in-law did an amazing job of making me feel included, wanted and a part of the family when I married Charles.  She allowed us to make our own decisions and become a couple, while still holding family activities and respecting my families activities.  I hope to make my sons and daughters in law feel just as happy to be joining our family as she made me feel.

Advise given from the book "Helping and Healing our Families. Principles and Practices inspired by The Family: A Proclamation to the World"regarding parenting adult children that I want to remember when my children are adults, the time is unfortunately coming much faster than I would like.

1. Don't pressure my children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed.

2. Listen to children, but don't impose opinions or feelings.

3. Don't be intrusive physically by too many visits and phone calls or emotionally by too many strongly held opinions.

4. Allow and encourage my children to receive revelation for themselves, this will help them have a greater dependence on their Heavenly Father.

5. Create a climate of safety where children feel ok expressing their feelings and desires to how involved they want to be with the family.

6. Accept differences.  Your children-in-laws will not be just like you.  Accept their individuality. These differences are something to look forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.

7. Find ways to personally build relationships with my children-in-laws individually.  Communication is key to building those relationships.

8. Don't consider my children's in-laws as competition on who they prefer.  Rather think of them as an additional set of protectors who can provide help and support.

The Thomas Family

Family Council

During the April 2016 general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Elder M. Russell Ballard taught the importance of holding regular family councils.  He taught:

Please remember that family councils are different from family home evening held on Mondays. Home evenings focus primarily on gospel instruction and family activities. Family councils, on the other hand, can be held on any day of the week, and they are primarily a meeting at which parents listen—to each other and to their children.

 “This council can meet to discuss family problems, work out finances, make plans, support and strengthen [each other], and pray for one another and for the family unit.”2

This council should meet at a predesignated time and is normally more formal than any other type of family council.

It should start with a prayer, or it may simply be a natural extension of conversations already started in other settings. Please note that a family council may not always have a formal beginning or ending.

When parents are prepared and children listen and participate in the discussion, the family council is truly working!

A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world.

Combined with prayer, a family council will invite the presence of the Savior, as He promised: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”4 Inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be part of your family council brings blessings beyond description.

Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes."

Since Elder Ballard gave this talk we have been holding Family Council faithfully every Sunday evening.  During Family Council we pray, sing a song, pay our children for their chores done that week, and go over our calendar for the week working out any conflicts we may have.  Each child knows what to expect and how we can help one another.  We discuss family activities and lessons taught in church that day.  Our children look forward to family council each week, probably because they always get a treat paid their chore money.  We look forward to it because it gives us the opportunity to serve one another and bond with each other.

This is a picture of us eating dinner, but family council looks the same, just imagine pie on our plates instead of dinner:)

Sharing Your Dreams

In Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he spoke of sharing our dreams with our spouse in order to avoid gridlock or seemingly unsolvable disagreements.
The dreams he is speaking of are the dreams you have while you are sleeping but the hopes and desires you have had often since childhood.

One of my dreams I shared with Charles is the dream for our children to grow up having eternal memories with their grandparents.  From the time I was young I remember going out to my grandparents motorhome when they would visit and play card games with them.  When I was a teenager I would visit my grandparents and my grandpa would massage my feet while we watched tv together.  Even though I rarely lived near my grandparents they always tried to make themselves a part of my life.  I still cherish my memories with them.

You can tell from all the grandchildren wanting to be close to grandma and grandpa how much they were loved.

Our children were blessed with two amazing grandmothers.  They both adored all of their grandchildren and devoted a lot of their time strengthening their relationships with them.  Unfortunately both have passed on.

Grandma Sherry never missed a dance recital and always brought flowers with her.

Those big smiles radiate their love for their Grandma Vicki

After talking about my dreams Charles and I were able to discuss ways to help our children's grandpas become a part of the kids lives if they choose in order to build bonds like they had with their grandmas.

Sharing your dreams with your spouse can strengthen your bonds.  And...as you work together as a team you are more likely to make those dreams become a reality.

Pride

President Ezra Taft Benson gave a powerful talk titled "Beware of Pride".  In this talk he spoke of the many dangers of pride as well as the hidden prideful actions we may overlook.  Included in those actions is "enmity toward our fellowmen, we are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them."  One way we can avoid elevating ourselves above our spouse is to let them influence you.  By allowing your spouse to influence you you are showing their opinions have merit, and admit you may not always know best.

Some of the ways Charles and I have influences each other are:

I love to coordinate clothing,.  Charles knows this will now often see what I am wearing to church and put on a matching tie.  When we go on family trips he is supportive in my wanting to pack and sometimes purchase coordinating clothes so we all look uniform in any pictures we take.  This really isn't a big deal or of any real importance but it makes me happy, and it strengthens our relationship.

All Packed up with coordinating outfits ready for our vacation

This sounds a bit spoiled as I type it but there came a point when we were really busy and I asked Charles is we could possibly fit it into our budget to have someone come out and do basic housecleaning once a week.  Charles said he would love a housekeeper, but if we were going to hire someone to help with our responsibilities he would rather have a landscaper.  We discussed it and came to the conclusion that he's busier than I am and keeping the yard maintained is largely his responsibility.  We both agreed to hire someone to do basic yard service.  We discussed our options, both of our opinions were weighed and in the end we made a unanimous decision we can both be happy with.  

This is not my yard, but you get the idea.

Although these are both simple examples that really have no eternal consequences, the point I am trying to make is by allowing your spouse to influence you in both large and small ways we are overcoming the evils of pride and strengthening our marriages at the same time.  A win win situation.

Turning Toward Each Other...

This week has been an exceptionally busy week for our family.  In addition to the regular activities of visitation, therapy, piano, dance, school, homework, scouts, cross country,  doctors appointments, work, grocery shopping, feeding the tribe etc.  We had an honor choir concert, Halloween Costumes to complete, two school projects, church trunk or treat with a photo booth the run, and a quick trip out of town to prepare for.  To say we were busy would be an understatement.

Life never really slows down, not just for our family, but for every one. I believe when we put our spouse first when they recognize all we have to do, it deepens our love for each other.  I know I personally am very grateful for the times Charles has helped me with a task, especially when I know he has 4 other highly important things he has to do himself.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.

This week a few ways we were able to turn toward each other was:

• Tuesday when our oldest had a choir concert I was able to find a babysitter for the kids and get off work early so Charles and I could enjoy the concert together.  
• Wednesday was our Ward Trunk R Treat, Charles told me how thankful he was I took the time to make themed costumes.  He also knew he would be running the photo booth all night and I was nervous about having all the kids on my own so he arranged for another lady in the ward to help me walk the kids around, to which I was very grateful.
• Thursday Charles was very tired and mentioned it to me.  I arranged to get off work 30 minutes early and surprised him by coming home to help get the kids ready for bed so he could get to sleep.
• Friday we spent at the zoo.  We held hands when we were able to.  We also laughed together about the fact that we were probably counting to 12 every 5 minutes to make sure we hadn't lost anyone.

It wasn't big things and occasionally we weren't even together when we turned toward each other.  It was the small moments and thinking of one another and trying to find ways to ease each others burdens that brought us together.

The entire crew at the zoo

Family Zoo and zoo keeper costumes minus the two big kids who had already left

Love Maps

Gottman teaches in order to have a strong marriage we need to have a strong love map. 

Our love maps indicate how well we know each other.  Gottman said, "from knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.  Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."  
So...great friendships between husband and wife create even better marriages.


How do we stay friends, or become friends???
You have to spend time interacting and talking with your spouse.  Doing things together, side by side builds those strong bonds of friendship.

A few small things Charles and I do to stay connected in our busy lives are:

1. Charles calls me everyday on his way home from work.
2. I only work 2 days a week, on the days I work Charles comes over and meets me for lunch.
3. When we are doing a big house clean-up we will work side by side as a team.  Instead of in different parts of the house.
4. We try to lay down together at night and talk about our days as we cuddle.  Both of us love this        part of the day, even though Charles often falls asleep while I'm talking.


It's not the big adventures or fun vacations that form strong friendships.  Friendship are formed and strengthened in the day to day, monotonous routines.  

Love Starts with Friendship

John M. Gottman wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work.

He has a theory based on years of research that strong marriages are built on deep friendships.  He teaches when we are first best friends with our spouse then we can overlook the negative and not focus on it.  My husband and I have a great relationship, we really never fight or even argue.  We are best friends, this friendship has strengthened our relationship.  I recall one rare time I was upset with Charles I said under my breath "jerk" in that exact moment I said in my mind "he is not a jerk, he is the best, most kind, loving man you know".  I believe this thought came to me even in my anger because I really do focus on good in him daily and not the bad.  This positive focus is so important in our everyday day to day lives so we will have positive experiences to look back on when challenges come up.